Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
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“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
✌️
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Yes my dude
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Wednesday
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.