Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
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To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Thursday Thought.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside
Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside
Twitter remains undefeated
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.
what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying