ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
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*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
analogies are so stupid
“the same boiling water that hardens the egg softens the potato” I’m not an egg or a potato and I don’t know how this applies to me. I’m just trying to get laid
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
My life coach traded me.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
I thinking about becoming a cop. Well, not really a cop but a quirky outsider like on TV who shows up at crime scenes and points out all the clues that experienced detectives missed
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.