Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being robbed]

Me: careful.. I’m ARMED

*whips out bible

Robber: lol

*pulls gun out of bible

R: oh

*pulls smaller bible out of gun

I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME

has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye

I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.

So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.

i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday

I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.

[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”

“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it

🎉Made my last car payment 🎉

I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore

My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom

UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”

my fav colour is also hitler

Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.

[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes

I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.

To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.

*spends ages choosing a ring tone.

*puts phone on silent

Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby

There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!

Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles

wtf management?!

This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.

Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!

This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀

I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.

north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that

Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.

Murderer:

I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.