ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
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Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
If you want to block me because I post too many bird puns…
Well, toucan play at that game.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace