Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
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Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
I might give this a try 😏
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and NOT a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!