Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.

I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.

Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.

Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?

Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.

HER: my friend katie is single again

ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up

HER: yes!

[later]

DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!

[ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not

if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play

*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it

Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.

I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.

ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond

(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)

ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing

(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)

NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu

I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.

I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse

You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread

– the inventor of croutons

Who wants to be my Valentine?

The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.

“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance

Bullshit doesn’t pay the bills unless you’re a politician or in sales

My bad habits got renewed for another season.

“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Me: Alexa, make me breakfast.
Alexa: Okay, you’re breakfast.
Me: No I mean…
Alexa: Lol! What a moron. 🤣

beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”

Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.

if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”

Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

-Come on, it’s time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!

Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake

Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater

Me: Sound the drums of war!!

My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*

*we enter the buffet*