Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
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If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
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If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
when the buffet is more honest than your date
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This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
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God has abandoned us.
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Become a minion. Get that bread.
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