me: *cracks knuckles*

boss: why do you do that?

me: i do it when i’m nervous

boss: fine *rubbing hands* but use your own

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[ spelling bee ]

judge: Your word is enamoured

me: Could you use it in a sentence

judge: I am enamoured by you

me: Oh wow. Me too. Can I get your number?

judge: your word is yes


If you’re single.

Just have patience.

Your soulmate is almost done with those divorce papers.


You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.


*counting sheep before bed* *jesus walks in your room* “I noticed there weren’t any black sheep. what’s up man. we gonna have a problem?”


Mom: You should come camping with us! It’s only $100!

Me: You want me to pay $100 to sleep outside?

Mom: Yeah.

Me: I’m getting a new Mom.


Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.


The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal


Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.


You’re losing followers because you’re not relatable enough. Try mentioning that you eat pizza. If that doesn’t work, play the ukulele.