[ spelling bee ]
judge: Your word is enamoured
me: Could you use it in a sentence
judge: I am enamoured by you
me: Oh wow. Me too. Can I get your number?
judge: your word is yes
me: *cracks knuckles*
boss: why do you do that?
me: i do it when i’m nervous
boss: fine *rubbing hands* but use your own
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If you’re single.
Just have patience.
Your soulmate is almost done with those divorce papers.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
*counting sheep before bed* *jesus walks in your room* “I noticed there weren’t any black sheep. what’s up man. we gonna have a problem?”
Mom: You should come camping with us! It’s only $100!
Me: You want me to pay $100 to sleep outside?
Me: I’m getting a new Mom.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
You’re losing followers because you’re not relatable enough. Try mentioning that you eat pizza. If that doesn’t work, play the ukulele.