Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
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I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
This classic never gets old . . .
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Only short people can save us