me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
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Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Beware of fowl play.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.