me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
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My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner
The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock