me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
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Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF