Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
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As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit