Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
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In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Math at Halloween.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.