Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
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[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
@funTweeters I am at your service….
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.