Me: [cracks open a can of beer]
Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”
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My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
BRO LMFAO
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
The USS B port
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Jurassic park gets weird
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.