Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW

Daughter: goodnight Mama.

Wife: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Dada.

Me: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Moon.

Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.

Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.

Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.

[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]

*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.

People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.

The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.

I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.

Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?

Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-

Him: *running away*

Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

hey, alexa

Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.

Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!

I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”

You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake

your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me

Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.

People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times

Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one

Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked

(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city

You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?

That’s the whole month of January for me

My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.

I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999

Me: Who drank all my beer?

Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.

Me: So is that a confession?

My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.

Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!

Not how I expected him to come back but okay.

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

Architects should try and design a house with no yelling

A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.

I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.

[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?

I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.

MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.