Me: [cracks open a can of beer]
Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”
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her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*