Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
