Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
