Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.

airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb

A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.

Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?

I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.

Home is where your toilet is.

Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.

Calls restaurant:

Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.

Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.

[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST

If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you

I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.

me: wanna hang out?

southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah

me:

[before surgery]

doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?

me: yes, every night

Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother

me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning

friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out

me: old?

Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.

I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle

Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.

Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.

You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.

earth: I’m dying

humans: I’m sorry you feel that way

*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.

You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!

ME: [holding door for wife]

WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?

There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.

Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car

if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent

GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!

WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates

GOD: um ok

*dinos die, man appears*

GOD: wtf

“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”