Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it

A horror story:

You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.

That’s it that’s the whole story.

Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.

I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..

If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.

I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.

boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am

me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]

boss: [declines]

What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”

I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.

Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children

*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope

Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.

– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!

I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”

ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?

BOSS: What?

ME: I’m writing an email

BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!

ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it

COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think

Overheard:

“You like Dragon Ball? Who’s your favorite character?”

“Um… Steve. Steve Dragonball.”

I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”

“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort

HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.

1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED

One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.

Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.

If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.

6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?

Me: I did not know that.

6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.

me: do you serve crabs here?

waiter: yes, we do

my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally

My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.

I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.

Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?

I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.

6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”

Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”

6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”

Me: “Wait, what?”