Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.

I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.

Yeah. Offer delivery.

i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again

HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.

“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”

me: I’d like to withdraw 100K

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.

My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.

If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.

I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.

[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks

“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”

– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores

International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.

[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]

Server: Sir, please

Me: I didn’t say when yet

Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.

Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.

detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em

A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.

wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust

me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?

“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”

~me, when I can’t open the cheese

Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.

When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer

You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat

i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow

Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid

-Nobody ever

[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else

Breaking news:

me: make me irresistible to women

genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha

me: *raises hind leg over lamp*

genie: wait no stop