Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
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[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
where there’s a whale there’s a whale