Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
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I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Best table by far
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”