Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor

Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman

I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK

The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.

ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish

DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian

ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?

*Puts on muscle shirt*

*Looks in mirror*

Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.

i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory

I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back

Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.

Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen

* see weird traffic pattern

* turns down radio

* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole

* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole

2017 – Wizard of Oz

[opening credits]

Dorothy: *opens weather app*

[end credits]

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.

Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.

4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?

Me: Yeah, in a minute

4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer

🙀🙀🙀😹

r kelly: will you touch this shower quick

king midas: why

Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire

Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse

911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.

So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?

I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.

The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.

At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?

Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?

Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX

Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?

When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.

i want to work in this restaurant

People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.