Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.

Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.

The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice

All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.

*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…

Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins

*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!

My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.

(watching Elijah Wood in lotr, maybe the best casting in the history of cinema) Well that’s certainly one take on the character

I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.

Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?

Me: Of course!

Friend: You sometimes-

Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?

Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.

Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?

It really ruins the vibe when you’re sharing a hilarious story from your childhood and people are like “omg that’s horrible” or “do you want my therapist’s phone number?”

My husband drives me to drink.

Unless a friend volunteers.

I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.

Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.

If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.

Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards

The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?

Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.

woman in my gym locker room has multiple containers of fresh chinese takeout spread out on the bench and is just happily munching away

Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?

Me: I’ve seen more than two.

I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.

Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.

Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.

Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.

Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty

[First day as a detective]

Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever

Murder suspect:

Me: never have I ever shot a guy

Suspect:

Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*

Suspect: dude stop

Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ

Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….

3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week

Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.

Cop: step out of the car please

Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes

the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”

Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.