Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!

Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk

The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]

“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”

SWAT: give up the hostages

RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that

On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.

There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust

i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car

[job interview]

BOSS: Describe yourself

ME: Can’t you see me?

*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.

My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.

All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.

*watching tv

Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”

Wife: (turns off wedding video)

NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down

[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]

Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.

“Is white wine all you have?”

No, I can do any

*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?

I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!

My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.

Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all

Donatello: to protect our identities?

Splinter: exactly Raphael

Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael

Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo

Raphael: master, that’s not-

Splinter: just put them on please

Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.

Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.

[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]

I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?

God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.

*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”

My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue

Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.