Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
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Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Me: I got a new blanket
My dogs:
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”