Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
why would tinder want me to say this
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
