Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”
And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
I’m tired tomorrow.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
