Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
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“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”