Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
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why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
this was the best i’ve ever seen
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.