Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.

The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne

We’ve come full circle

Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight

I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.

[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*

I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order.

I then picked the movie and pizza because I’m the one with the money

Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.

ME: i’m gonna join the army

HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus

Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old

i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in

When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.

yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration

My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.

Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control

-me, in this hotel room

CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?

PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room

WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …

What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle

Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.

looking at weird sushi roll names and uh

Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.

I asked the wife “how did you do it?”

She said “my knees tired”.

They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.

But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.

People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.

[Patient room]

ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell

Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?

Me: I got the dirt off.

Wife: What does that mean?

Me: *hides the leaf blower*

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?

Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?

Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*

Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.

Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense

Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it