Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
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Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Well well well…
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.