@pungodly
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
@difficultpatty
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
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@pungodly
@bornmiserable
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
@YourMomsucksTho
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
@smithsara79
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
@2tickytacky
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
@notalogin
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
@bobvulfov
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
@djdarrellripley
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
@Mardigroan
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
@BigBagOfScum
the restraining order doesn’t mean we can’t hang, it just means I can’t be within 50′. We could still play catch or frisbee or something…