@difficultpatty

Me: *curling my hair*

Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.

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@pungodly

Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.

@bornmiserable

Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.

@YourMomsucksTho

Me: we can all get along and live in unity

Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t

@smithsara79

Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right

@2tickytacky

I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?

@notalogin

A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.

@bobvulfov

chiropractor: so what can i help u with today

me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman

@djdarrellripley

Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.

Me: So, they were closed?

Her:

@Mardigroan

Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.

@BigBagOfScum

the restraining order doesn’t mean we can’t hang, it just means I can’t be within 50′. We could still play catch or frisbee or something…