Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i spent way too long on this

I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.

I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.

Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.

Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.

They irony of being hit by a Dodge.

[first day birdwatching]

is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?

My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”

*Goes to work*

*Punches clock*

*Gets fired for breaking clock*

[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!

A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.

How to pick up a girl in a club:

1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff

“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People

Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?

Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.

Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?

Boss: haha oh goodness no

My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.

My wife gives me the speaking treatment.

Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.

No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.

My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave

I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it

Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.

Me: Oh, because of the virus?

Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.

I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.

Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.

In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison

My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.

I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it

Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”

Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.

CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?

HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.