Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby

him: mom I’m 35 years old

Me: I’m a scorpion.

Date: You mean scorpio?

Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.

BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.

[to the tune of little drummer boy]

baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.

#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”

“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast

Wife: cuddle?

Me: ok

Wife: I mean with me

Me: *with my teddy bear* right

Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth

we’re dead?

You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”

– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters

Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.

Police say they have several leads

#Police

So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9

My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.

I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.

sigh

neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*

There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.

Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.

[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]

“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”

*fist bump*

I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it

How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?

Is it four? Please say it’s four.

According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.

A gym so fancy they call it a James.

Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?

It’s Journalism 101, people!

I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.

Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.

My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.

Uh oh 👀

Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE