Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.

People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio

There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.

I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.

(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*

anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after

[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”

#MeanwhileinCanada

Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?

Roman: Just the one, thanks

Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.

Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.

*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*

Nonmaterial gift ideas:

An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house

Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”

Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club

“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted

Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?

I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.

here is what. i plan to accomplish today:

2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat

Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Lil’ Jon: WHAT

Priest: you say “I do”

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I do

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I DO

Lil’ Jon: YEAH!

When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”

THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW

Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.

*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*

Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?

Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick

Cop: *on radio* get the feds

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.

I got soap in my shower beer again.

“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

*Opens twitter*

*Sees Polio is trending*

*Closes twitter*