Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.

My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.

*does that thing*

Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!

Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!

*three weeks later*

Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!

Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!

*day of that thing*

Me: oh no

Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!

My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?

I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.

Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.

Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.

why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭

I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???

The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.

My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.

zone out

Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.

*walks in at 3am*

Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.

[front door 5hrs later]

Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater.

I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…

You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you

Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.

Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?

Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.

12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me

I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.

Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.

Do you know how fast you were going sir?

“15,000mph?”

Wha? No,like 65?

“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”

I guess so.

“Ok bye”

bye?

Therapist: Are you two still romantic?

Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.

Husband: There were chores written on all of them.

Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much

She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.

Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !