Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
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CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52
Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?
Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then