Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
You Might Also Like
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Canadian owl: Eh?
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?