Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*

Me: Hey babe…who did this?

Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul

Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?

*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN

(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?

The most avoided species of shark is the Loan

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.

me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.

i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot

Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.

I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.

ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”

Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

Bros before Ohioes

Me: well that didn’t age well

My Mirror:

[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake

Him: Hi

Me: I bet you say that to all the girls

“I have to poop”

~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do

Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.

*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*

My Wife… The Bargain Hunter

I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle

Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.

I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video

I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,

disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?

disciple 2: his dad owns the company

I’m not feeling myself today…

…would YOU do it for me?

” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium

He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’

Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.