Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
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I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Good morning, Twitter x
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Passenger announcement: This is for a Mr Torris off the Barcelona flight, a Mr Clee Torris. I’m trying to find a Clee Torris. If anyone knows where a Clee Torris is, please let me knoCOLIN YOU BAST…
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”