Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.

*pulls up to window*

Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*

“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.

[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.

(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all

Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.

Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.

You: Cute kid. What’s his name?

Me: Kenwood.

You:

Me: I’m really into stereotypes.

drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.

Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”

Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email

[sending smoke signals]

*your*

*house*

*is*

*on*

*fire*

When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.

That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.

Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”

*2 weeks later

[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”

Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“

SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?

ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.

due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

Well. That’s not a good sign.

[inventing vampire weaknesses]

writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night

writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?

writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!

writer 2: we’re crushing this

[5 hours later]

writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside

writer 2: garlic

[commercial for gymnastics]

Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?

Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.

Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’

Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’

I need this for my side hustle.

With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster

COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?

ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.

“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”

That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”

[Record Shop]

Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?

Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.

PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.

KID: Okay.

PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.