Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh the world we live in…

taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends

Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?

I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”

I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.

Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”

There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.

In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship

Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar

“Will you stop CHOKING?”

First Aid in my house, apparently.

Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat

[before animals were invented]

plants: this is nice

Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?

Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink

Me: I drink it while I watch sports.

[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows

All generalizations are stupid.

I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!

Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*

Husband: Are you ok?

Me: Yes.

*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*

Me: Dad’s in the garage.

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*

[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC

ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help

Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.

If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.

Brb my Sims are getting married

wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?

I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.

If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.

*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower

Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently

John Hammond: You have no vision

[Later, everyone is dead]

John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this

Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body