Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
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Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
this has to be peak English
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?
My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
