Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
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you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?