Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
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Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON