After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
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[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
peak technology
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper