Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.

Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library

ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward

GENE: what is it

ME: hygiene

GENE: hi kev

I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Twitter: Hold my beer.

“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost

[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes

Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.

Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.

No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.

I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.

In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.

That way the search dogs will find you first.

Hot hot hot 🥵

MISSING: 5 year old

LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”

DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids

so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement

wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice

Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!

If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.

I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.

Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!

Garage door is broken

When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.

If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes

I hope I’m not overthinking this.

(six days later)

Nah I’m probably not.

TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS

*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick

An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.

Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God

My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord

People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?

My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’

He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.

why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .