@DaddingAround

Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.

Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.

Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!

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@KingRainhead

boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!

@SamGrittner

Saw a guy with three lip-ring piercings on the subway today. Took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain.

@bransonreese

The Ugly Duckling has the best moral: “everybody has to apologize to you if you get hot”

@RoosterMustache

ME: want anything for breakfast?

BOSS: just banana

[struggling to hold office door shut]

ANA: let me in!

ME: sorry boss said to ban you

@Shanehasabeard

Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.

*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*

@ItsAndyRyan

Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”

@selentelechia

famous: well-known for Good reasons

infamous: well-known for Bad reasons

therefore

flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons

inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons

@Gupton68

[playing nunchucks]

Mother Superior: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Me: *putting down Sister Agatha* Sorry, Reverend Mother