Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.

Kids: Okay!
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.


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boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!


Saw a guy with three lip-ring piercings on the subway today. Took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain.


The Ugly Duckling has the best moral: “everybody has to apologize to you if you get hot”


ME: want anything for breakfast?

BOSS: just banana

[struggling to hold office door shut]

ANA: let me in!

ME: sorry boss said to ban you


Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.

*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*


Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”


famous: well-known for Good reasons

infamous: well-known for Bad reasons


flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons

inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons


[playing nunchucks]

Mother Superior: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Me: *putting down Sister Agatha* Sorry, Reverend Mother