-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
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[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
at ease…shoulder.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.