boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.
Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
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Saw a guy with three lip-ring piercings on the subway today. Took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain.
The Ugly Duckling has the best moral: “everybody has to apologize to you if you get hot”
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
ME: want anything for breakfast?
BOSS: just banana
[struggling to hold office door shut]
ANA: let me in!
ME: sorry boss said to ban you
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Mother Superior: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: *putting down Sister Agatha* Sorry, Reverend Mother