The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.
Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
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The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Wife: *opens door*
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!