Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.

Kids: Okay!
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.


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The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”


The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person


Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.


(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*


*do a little dance*

*make a little love*

*get kicked out of this funeral*


I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.


Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.

Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!