Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.

A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .

Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.

I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?

My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.

My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.

Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….

Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.

I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.

What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle

Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.

Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor

Airport security:…

I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.

Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!

Eating microwaved leftovers.

ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink

OCTOPUS: Oh hey

My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?

*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook

I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”

the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty

(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.

Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.

cop: do you know why your neighbors called us

me: *into megaphone* NO

Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out

Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.

I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os

Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.

*Runs across campus to get to class on time*

Whew! I made it!

*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*

going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me

3yo: Let’s have a discussion.

Me: OK, about what?

3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.

Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy

[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit