Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.

The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.

I have standards. They might be low, but still…..

You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.

Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”

Just another unrealistic body expectation for women

*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*

[Intruder breaking into my house]

Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off

Him: Huh?

Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start

Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off

Me: *tightening karate belt* I know

[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know

Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls

Friend: how many?

Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny

An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.

My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.

I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.

Please do it!

Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you

my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice

Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.

Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it

Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD

“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”

I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations

Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.

The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list

It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza

Did you breast feed him as a baby?

“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”