Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
You Might Also Like
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
$3 #books
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.