Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support

Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.

My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.

Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?

My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.

Me:

Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?

Farmer: Sure

Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all

Farmer:

There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours

Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.

At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.

Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos

Her: Your hair looks nice today

Me: Thanks. I slept differently.

My Boss: Are you with me so far?

Me *nodding* : Yes.

*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.

I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener

[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]

I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays

It will be called Side Chick.

#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”

Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!

I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning

If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…

My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.

“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.

In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them

My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?

What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?

MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?

If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.

Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts

Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?

Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.