Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just me?

Caesar: Et tu, Brute?

Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.

we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.

Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!

*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.

Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.

I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.

Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”

genie: i will grant you any wish

me: i wish soup was spelled like soop

genie: [frowning] no

One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.

The horror. The apostrophe’s.

Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer

When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.

Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake

yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in

Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.

that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE

ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…

{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.

I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.

My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.

so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:

zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS

9th graders: whoa!

zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD

9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–

zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS

The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.

Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.