Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.

i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism

I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.

I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.

Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.

So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth

Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.

Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.

Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.

Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup

me: hi do you take walk ins?

funeral parlor director: what?

With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.

*smokes fat doobie*

*enters hotdog eating contest*

*sets Guinness World Record*

*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*

Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.

My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.

My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.

My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.

When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.

I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.

One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning

Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”

Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?

Me: *winks*

-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.

I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”

That was easy.

I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.

The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.

[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”

COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.

Cherry seeds are just the pits.

This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.

She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”

And that’s how the fight started