Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
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I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
the simulation is moving too fast
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it