Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
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I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
shakira sharkira
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?
Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me: