Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
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sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.