Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?

ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.

HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?

ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.

When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been

As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.

Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?

Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?

He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry

When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.

“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”

–Pluto, the former planet

Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,

“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”

My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.

My husband and I are having a serious fight.

Do you think I should let him know about it?

My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby

Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.

Me: Make sure you close the bag.

My kids:

I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.

1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]

Him: *spills drink*

Me: *starts twitching*

you: ant-man

me, an intellectual: uncle

The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.

I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.

With a text.

[introducing my children]

…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex

[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?

Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that

The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.

Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.

I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’

What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it

if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently

An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.

All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.