Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND

Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*

Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.

My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.

I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.

Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.

Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no

We’re currently showing our home & still living there.

My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”

I preheated the oven to make dinner.

We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.

How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?

“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”

-my family

How to draw a duck

It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.

My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.

I’m so blessed.

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.

have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng

9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.

Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment

evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts

My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person

Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.

I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.

I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?

I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something

My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”

My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.

Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.

dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed

My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways

At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.