Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.

used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip

Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.

Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!

Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy

Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.

Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis

*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these

Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.

Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.

Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is “redacted”

KID: ████████

JUDGE: correct

It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.

me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]

me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.

I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.

[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”

“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)

The First Rule of Menopause Club:

We don’t talk PERIOD.

9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?

Me: Go to your room.

A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.

You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..

Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.

Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’

People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying

My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

Me: Put on your seatbelt.

13: Do I have to?

Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield

13: cool

Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!

When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.

Problem solved.