Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HIM: And a trillion dollars.

GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.

HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.

GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?

HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.

GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.

SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.

ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees

Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…

Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back

I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.

kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that

Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.

– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_

– MILKMAN!!

– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”

Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price

me: *starts the washer*

me, two minutes later: what’s that noise

We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.

everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.

old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?

inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.

Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is

Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.

If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people

I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.

I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.

It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.

not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!

It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me

If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.

If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you

[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!

I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.

How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”

My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.

gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire