Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
You Might Also Like
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
m’lady
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.