Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.

My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.

MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?

ME (through tears): A…a friend

Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.

Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro

Robber: This is a stick up

Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean

I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.

I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool

“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.

The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.

Discuss.

Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up

Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.

*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*

Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.

We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.

[ cooking class ]
 
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
 
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd

I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.

funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time

Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.

Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.

Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale

As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.

AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief

The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.

The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.

Cop: Are you drunk?

Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*stands on one foot*

Cop: ok first of all, ow

exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out

Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.

Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?