Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth

I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”

Me: *takes off my clothes*

Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.

[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!

people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey

Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.

My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.

I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.

“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.

and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.

Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.

Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic

Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.

When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.

Here’s the picture I used for the ad.

Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.

WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????

First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.

me: have you seen my hoodie?

her: you mean our hoodie???

me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”

why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.

Me, flirting😏

And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile

“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack

when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand

when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything

Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?

When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.