Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s either covid or clever vampires

A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date

I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.

THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed

Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.

Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.

Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters

Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury

Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?

Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets

waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined

me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money

Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.

Stop being racist to kettles.

Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured

Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos

My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.

Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”

I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.

Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶

Never really believed in god before but earlier today I was in the ladies room with a coworker and just about to start talking shit about my boss but then inexplicable stopped myself seconds before said boss walked in, feeling absolutely blessed

Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long

Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long

This strip mall certainly is misleading

And I probably should put my clothes back on now.

What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair

If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.

I’m sorry…

…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.

[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.

her: i’m leaving u

me: bc of my drinking puns

her: yes

me: alcohol u tomorrow

I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice

‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’

– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.

My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.

Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.

me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air

everyone: [puts hands up]

me: [already mad with power] one hop this time