Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.

Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.

Me: Yup!

Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.

Officiant: Do you take this man?

Me: I do!

Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?

[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend

Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.

captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna

1st mate: dont you mean sonar

captain (already in towel): full steam ahead

Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.

Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.

A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.

I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.

We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.

Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them

I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.

Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.

Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.

“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*

You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.

I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“

…As if I plan on eating it.

A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍

Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath

if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall

I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.

She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady

HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly

I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁

Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.