me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
You Might Also Like
It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
it’s either covid or clever vampires
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
when someone compliments me
me logging onto twitter
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer