Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[confession booth]

ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes

PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this

ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share

PRIEST: you forgot pride

ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this

Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.

me: *responds maybe to a fb event*

wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY

Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.

Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye

Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on

“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”

My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.

I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.

I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.

my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”

How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?

Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend

I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.

Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.

Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?

Me: Why? What’ve you got?

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.

UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”

rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭

Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?

Me: I think we should see other people.

Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.

ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]

WIFE: you could just-

ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn

BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.

Well this pretty much sums up 2020.

Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.

We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no

Bird: *flies into my office window*

Me: yeah, same.

interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer

spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy

“Would you like a bag?” “Well yes obviously or else how else am I going to carry it” in a bag you brought from home like 50% of the other customers do hun 🙂