me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
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Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
My ideal weight is five million dollars
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
SONOFA
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
