me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
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Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Danger is very dangerous
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Twitter is the new flypaper.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
For cardio I live beyond my means.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Me if I was a dog
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.