me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
You Might Also Like
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
E
E
E
E
E
e
e
e
e
e
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
When I face a minor setback
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
me to God
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Person: I really DO want your honest advice
Me: NO you don’t
P: I DO
Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out
P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
How high do the levels go?
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*