Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People with pretty privilege?

You mean the gourgeoisie???

Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.

Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”

I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!

*Opens twitter*

*Sees Polio is trending*

*Closes twitter*

I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.

you come to me? on a friday at 4pm

I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance

Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…

Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly

Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is

I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”

Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?

Me: She’s my current wife.

Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.

All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.

Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!

i installed a ceiling fan in my room

“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink

the official breakfast of 2021

detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is

me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic

detective: but where exactly?

me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time

I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.

That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.

My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately

hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”

… when can I look forward to that starting?

I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.

I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.

Cop: Are you high?

Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so

No self control, must pet the kitty 😂

Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”

These are my emotional support Pringles.

I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?

My 7-year-old wrote this joke:

What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.

I’ve never been more proud.

[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah

Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave