Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
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Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set